I Knew Better

Our textbook leadership retreat involved planning, training, worship, playing and eating. (We are Baptist after all.) We were wrapping up our last training session when I remembered that I hadn't mentioned appropriate boundaries between students and adult staff.

At my previous church I had some college students on my volunteer staff and it was always discussed and demanded that volunteer staff can never, under any circumstances, date, like or be attracted to a student. I knew better but I didn't say those important and necessary words during our last training session, "If you are out of high school you can't go out with or date anyone in our student ministry."

We were running late so I rationalized it away with, "I don't need to mention that since my youngest single adults are two twenty-four year old guys. " I was married at twenty-one so I never considered that either one of them might even have the capacity to like a high school girl. I found out how wrong I was seven months later.

Believe it or not but seven months later they both liked different seventeen-year old seniors in our youth ministry.

One of the guys was our associate worship director. He resigned after being confronted about some related issues. Things could have been worse but appropriate boundaries were broken. The core issue was that he did not see anything wrong with a 24-year-old church staff member dating or going out with a high school student!

The volunteer is on a leave of absence. He's still dating the student, who is now a freshman in college. I can envision him returning to serve in our ministry under certain circumstances. He'd have stricter ministry guidelines, personal accountability with me and acknowledge his mistake. As leaders it's not a matter of what is legal, he began dating the student after she turned 18, but a matter of what is best for the ministry, the student, and for the church.

I didn't lose my ministry or even trust over this but I could have. Here's what I've learned through this painful experience.

Write and use notes to cover everything you should in your training times.

State the obvious.

Don't think others think like you do.

Don't just tell people what is wrong but also why it's wrong.

If something inappropriate happens, prompt and direct communication with church leaders, parents, volunteers and students involved is imperative. It might save your job and ministry.

The most mature student can become enamored with someone 6-7 years older than they are who gives them attention. Set up tall boundaries to minimize the possibility of students and adults making an inappropriate connection to protect your students.

As surely as there are appropriate and inappropriate forms of physical contact in youth ministry between adults and students there are appropriate and inappropriate forms of emotional contact between adults and students. Be on your guard against emotional contact.

Division in your ministry is just a date away.

Say it, say it loud and say it often, "If you are out of high school you can't go out with or date anyone in our student ministry."

Youthworker Journal Nov/Dec 2001

You Might Be A Youth Pastor If . . . .

you've ever defended "Rolling Stone" as a professional expense.

teenagers ever ask you, "What do you do all day?" or "They pay you?"

your idea of a dream trip involves malaria pills and going to Haiti.

when you hear, "Shultz burns rice" you think of three men and not a bad German cook.

going to a theme park is work.

you have a master's degree but you've considered becoming a garbage collector for the pay raise.

you stand at Christian concerts just to stretch your legs

when you run out of toilet paper you just get some off your trees.

you don't want to be Senior Pastor yet you've thought about planting a church.

you hate fundraising but still plan to sell candy bars, pumpkins, or wreaths this year.

ski for free once a year but you consider canceling next years trip.

your weekly office junk mail outweighs your Bible.

you get phone calls from people in Alabama trying to sell you Christian T-Shirts.

"Not McDonalds" is heard more often on a trip than "Are we there yet?".

the word family or families has been added to your job title in the last three years.

a church pays you but you depend upon God for your needs to be met.

you do more counseling via e-mail than face to face.

you've ever planned a Jello fight.

you daydream about a normal job. (Whatever that is)

you've ever explained why going to the inner-city is a good idea.

you can tell blue-flame stories.

you wrestle and hit 7th graders but you aren't convicted of abuse.

you know less than five female vocational peers.

you own a powerband, a WWJD bracelet, and a wordless book.

you can write a recommendation letter faster than your signature.

you've lost count of how many times you've seen "The Princess Bride".

you can prepare a talk in three hours or thirty minutes, whichever is available.

you borrow someone's beach house, cabin, lake house or ranch for your vacation.

you want to make salad out of Larry and Bob.

you believe a 15 passenger van is as easy to drive as a Geo Metro.

Group Sept/Oct 1999 (Not all of these were used when published)