God Is in Control...Yada... Yada... Yada

I toyed with the idea of writing this anonymously because I was scared that it would come across bitter and angry since…well, I'm probably bitter and angry.

David wrote about walking through the valley of the shadow of death; well, this past year it seems like we've been camping out in the valley of the shadow of death—and the dangers, toils, and snares have come courtesy of some Christians and some churches.

I've never served in a true mega-church (2000 on a Sunday) or had 200 active students every week, but I've been fortunate and able to do some pretty cool things in youth ministry land. I graduated from a great seminary, pastored thriving youth ministries, spoke at national youth worker conventions, and wrote lots of articles and curriculum—even a recent book.

Despite all these accolades and appearances of success, it's been a rough haul recently. So I thought I'd share some of my recent journey with all of its fear, doubt, and messiness, written in the moment.

The Dark Days – 4 months ago

I've been looking for a new ministry position for over six months. I left the church and have been without income for almost three months; my savings will run out soon. I've played back the last church situation in my head hundreds of times. Seems it "wasn't a good fit"—which was true in some ways. At the end, my senior pastor told me I didn't fit in well with the church culture—and I agreed, since it seems to be characterized by material affluence that's led to an attitude of entitlement.

I made mistakes and I could've done things better, but I didn't do anything worthy of being asked to leave…er, excuse me…I "resigned"—of course, it was made clear to me that it'd be easier to provide some severance if I agreed my departure was 100% mutual.

There were no moral issues, my behavior was above reproach, and I was told that I'd left with grace. (Does telling this story—albeit true—still qualify me for leaving with grace?)

I believe there's a plan for me, but I just wish God didn't have to use these kinds of people to accomplish it.

The Darkest Night

I've never really considered abandoning youth ministry until tonight. I looked at my wife and told her, "If this church that we're talking to doesn't work out, I'll leave youth ministry. I'll leave any sort of ministry."

I'm tired of my wife being hurt by promises that are broken by church leaders. I'm tired of telling my daughters, "It'll be okay, maybe this next church is where Jesus wants us to be," and "No honey, we're not poor yet. Don't worry about those kinds of things." But most of all, I'm tired of being treated like a corporate employee who's simply there to do the bidding of the higher ups.

This whole experience makes me just want to find a job to pay the bills, focus on loving my family, and go hide in a church rather than serve in one. Then fear kicks in as I wonder who would hire a 35-year-old former youth pastor with no "real world" experience. I still, and always will, love the church; though some churches really tick me off with how they treat people, especially youth workers.

Don't get me wrong. Some youth workers should be fired. Heck, some of us never should have become full-time youth workers in the first place! But right now, it feels like there are a lot more of us out there who should be treated better than we are.

I've had over 20 phone interviews with different churches, and yet not one place has worked out. Four have been very close. One even said, "We can have you here in two weeks," and then the next day called and said, "We're sorry; we think we rushed the process."

Maybe God is telling me that I should get out of ministry or maybe that I should wait. I'm not sure what the answer is, and I'm not sure, at this moment, what I want the answer to be. My theology tells me that God is in control and in the end it'll all be okay—but right now I don't want to hear it, and frankly I'm not sure if I believe it.

The Rest of the Story

It seems that my camping permit to the valley of the shadow of death was a temporary one. It was so dark on some days that I joked with my wife that if it got much worse I was going to take my daughters' Bibles and pitch them, saying, "You won't need those." I didn't really want to, but that's how low I was feeling—wow!

As I reviewed what I wrote four months ago as a cathartic exercise at my lowest point in the search process, it's still hard to relive or even recall the extent of the pain I was experiencing.
After interacting with over 40 churches in response to my resume, I'm currently a volunteer youth pastor while working a full-time job somewhere else. Lots of stuff about this church excites me, especially the leadership. They're all on the same page, and they know where they're going. And they're hoping by faith and proper planning to hire me full-time in another 4-5 months.

Meanwhile, a church of 8,000 contacted me last week with the words, "You're at the top of our list." But the truth of the matter is that this church of 350 is such a great fit that I'd rather be here as a volunteer than pursuing that next step up the youth ministry success ladder.

Through this process I learned several things: to trust God more than my resume; that contentment comes from God's plans, not mine: and that it's okay to hurt when life's circumstances go from bad to horrid. Most importantly, I learned that God really is in control, even when I think about pitching the kids' Bibles.

Originally appeared in Youthworker Journal June/July 2005

Reality Bites And Some Churches Have Fangs

When I began my first full-time youth ministry position, I had a utopian view of what it'd be like working in a church. I believed that since everyone loved Jesus it'd be an ideal work environment; I expected to hear "Kum-Bah-Yah" in the background as we closed our staff meetings. Reality hit me soon after the last book went from box to bookshelf.

A few years ago, Your Church magazine ran a series about "Forced Exits" (Mar/Apr 1996). They reported that almost one fourth of senior pastors had been fired, forced to resign, or pressured to resign. They also discovered that 91 percent of senior pastors knew three to four pastors who'd been forced to exit. I personally know four youth pastors who've lost their jobs this past year.

Bob Long, the national director of the Baptist General Conference, shared this: "A high dose of cynicism is sadly normal in veteran youth pastors as a result of seeing the church in action over the years." I wanted to hold on to my naivety and deny what he observed, but I knew it was true.

My cynicism began when my friend Steve had been at his church around 18 months. I called to check up on him and the secretary told me, "He's no longer employed here." I called him and found out that during a special Elders' meeting, he was told that the present situation wasn't a good fit. He walked out with a two-week severance check in hand; 18 months of ministry was over in a little more than 18 minutes. He and his family were devastated.

I realized early on that despite being God's institution and God's people, the local church is still imperfect, like me. Its imperfections and mistakes are like a minor headache—you can just ignore it or take something to ease the symptoms. Unfortunately, deeper pain often hits us and sadly, that pain can be caused by "friendly fire" from people in the church. This deeper pain is like an incapacitating migraine, requiring a stronger prescription painkiller.

Over the Counter Painkillers
Here are some over-the-counter painkillers I discovered as I was going through my own difficult situations, and some stronger prescription strength remedies for those particularly painful days. These observations have given me comfort as I try to make sense of the chaotic church world around me.

Painkiller #1What Doesn't Kill You, Doesn't Kill You

God can work through people in your life for your own growth, even those people who seem intent on making your life hell. Their actions or attitudes may be wrong, but you can still respond in a loving way. Learn to thank God for your "thorns in the flesh" (or not least not complain too much about them) and remember that God's grace is sufficient for you. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

Painkiller #2Where Two or Three Come Together, There Will Be Conflict

To condense Ken Sande's wisdom from The Peacemaker, we have three options when dealing with conflict: we can attack it, fix it, or escape it. Although attacking and escaping conflict are popular choices, we must try to fix the conflict. It doesn't always work, but it's always worth trying. Learn the principles of resolving conflict and know when you need to seek outside help in fixing the conflict.

Painkiller #3Expectations Determine Your Experience

I had a meeting scheduled at my last church with one of the church leaders. He showed up on time and we started with small talk. We transitioned into "issues" a few minutes into our discussion and attendance came up.

He said, "Len, we need to get 200 students on Sunday."

"Why 200?" I asked.

"Because University Bible Church has 200 students in their youth ministry, and we're a better church than they are."

Even though our attendance was quite a bit less than the other church and even though we'd been averaging 130 to 160 in Sunday school with probably around 200 students are active in our youth ministry, the expectation was 200 kids every Sunday.

If I'd known what they expected from the start, I would've at least known what to aim for. Or, if I'd known their expectations, I might have looked for another church to serve.

Prescription Painkillers
The prescription painkillers that have been given to all of us come from God. These are the truths I clung to as I went through my darkest moments.

Painkiller #1Prayer

There are some verses in the Bible that I don't like because they convict me. One verse that bothers me is "pray for those who abuse you." (Luke 6:28) I want to do exegetical gymnastics to rationalize how that's merely a suggestion and not a command. While going through my trials I finally decided to be obedient regarding this verse and began praying for those with whom I was in conflict. After about two weeks, my attitude changed. My anger left and I began to love them in a way that I wouldn't have been able to naturally. Through that process I experienced what is meant by "Prayer is meant to change you, not to change your circumstances."

Painkiller #2Forgiveness

Sometimes we are wronged, but we must forgive. In my head I know that I'm supposed to forgive someone seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22), but it seems the hardest time is the first. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it's not forgetting or excusing. Rather it's an intentional decision to walk in obedience. It can be difficult and at times seem impossible, but it's necessary to heal.

In an article for Leadership Journal, Gary Preston writes, "James Broderick once said of Pope Paul IV: 'He never forgot such offenses, which was one of his fundamental weaknesses. He might bury the hatchet for a time, but he gave the impression of always carefully marking the spot.'"
We don't want to mark the spot. We're told to forgive the person who offends us and repents (Luke 17:3-4) and the person who offends us and fails to repent (Mark 11:25). There's no loophole; we need to begin the forgiveness process today.

Painkiller #3Love

I learned to really love the local church through my last church experience with conflict. It was painful, and I'd hate to relive it; but God used it to change me. I learned to love not just the universal church but my local church as well, simply because it was part of the Body of Christ. I now love the church the same way I love my wife—unconditionally. This kind of love is partially by choice, but I'm also compelled to it. I have to love, because if I didn't I'd be incomplete, and that applies to both my wife and the church.

David Hansen, in his book The Power of Loving Your Church, captured this committal kind of love when he wrote, "To be a pastor is to be one, among others, who chooses to make the sacrifice of love even when others won't. That means, in brutal terms, giving your life away to a community of people who, for the most part, are not going to give it back."

Painkiller #4Shall We Accept Good from God, and Not Trouble?

Job's wife told him, "Curse God, and die." and Job responded with, "Shall we receive the good at the hand of God, and not receive the bad?" (Job 2:8-10) It's tempting at times to take the advice of Job's wife. While we might not curse God, we would pray, "I'm one of your servants, why are you doing this to me?" or "Why aren't you taking care of me?" and all other forms of "pity party" prayers.

In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis wrote, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Through the pain in our lives, we learn to rest in God and nothing else.

I wouldn't want to relive my six months in between youth ministries for anything. I hated making less than half of my former salary at a temp job. I hated not knowing what was going to happen. I hated not serving in a local church. I hated feeling let down by people I trusted.

However, I loved the desperation I felt to remain close to God through my valley of darkness. In the darkness that was all I had; yet it was enough, and in God there was healing.

Originally appeared in Youthworker Journal June/July 2003

10 Things That'll Make You Indispensable

“Indispensable youth worker” sounds like an oxymoron. None of us are truly indispensable. But there are many things you can do to make your position and ministry more secure. These ideas are principles, not promises. (And one more provison: What makes you indispensable in one church might get you fired in another.)

1. Push the envelope until it bends.

Your value will shoot up if you do things that help your church grow and stretch in ways the people appreciate. Timing is everything. Establish yourself before you change too much. You’re ready to introduce significant change when parents, volunteers, and teenagers respect you for who you are, not because of your position. In other words, make sure you have “change in your pocket” before you change too much.

2. Process paper promptly.

Youth workers are stereotyped as disorganized and unreliable. You can quickly crush that myth. If your church requires balance sheets, event evaluations, and other paperwork, make sure you fill out the right forms and turn them in on time (a good rule of thumb is that all your paperwork is in within one week after an event).

3. Handle money well.

If you can, avoid handling money in your ministry by assigning that task to a capable volunteer. Money mismanagement is one of the top reasons youth leaders fall. If you can’t train someone to handle the money, then set your own standards for taking care of it. Mike Work, Diane Elliot, and Ginny Olson, authors of Youth Ministry Management Tools (Youth Specialties), recommend using a “checks only” policy for all your events. If you do this, money is easier to track and blunts the possibility that others will wonder how you’re handling the cash.

4. Dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

Don’t fight the system. Honor the systems that are in place. If you want to change the system and help improve it, you have to work within it first.

5. Be above reproach.

In everything, take the high road. Don’t give people a reason to think anything less than the best of your character. When it comes down to it, character is all you have in ministry, so guard it carefully. Not many of us should presume to be teachers in the church because we’ll be judged by a higher standard, now and later (James 3:1).

6. Pay attention to doctrine.

Read more books about theology than about leadership, Christian living, or youth ministry. Theology is the foundation of all you do in ministry and in life. If you learn to teach theology clearly and relevantly, you’ll be valued as a rare commodity.

7. Pay attention to results.

Determine your standard of success, based on a combination of your calling and the church’s mission, then excel according to those standards. Set goals and meet them. Life change in students is the strongest indicator that you’re indispensable. When parents and others see a real change in their young people, they’ll deeply value what you do. Work hard, but pray harder.

8. Value your church team, and contribute to its success.

A youth minister who’s a team player knows where youth ministry fits in the bigger picture of the church’s ministry. An “island mentality” won’t cut it—your ministry must be integrated into the church’s broader mission. Remain loyal, both in front of everyone and behind closed doors, toward the church and its leadership.

9. Contribute beyond youth ministry, but don’t lose your focus on youth ministry.

Strive to be a “lifer” in youth ministry, but become valuable beyond youth ministry. If your church will allow you, help out in other areas of the church when you can (preaching, adult small groups, a guest speaker for other church groups, and so on). A strong church makes for a stronger youth ministry.

10. Love Jesus.

People who love Jesus with all their heart are attractive—others who love Jesus want to keep them around.

Originally appeard in Group Magazine March-April 2003

10 Things That'll Get You Fired

Is your job secure? Here’s a surprising rundown of “sins” that’ll get you the hook.

Here’s some breaking news: It’s no fun to get fired. Just ask a youth leader who’s been through it. After years in youth ministry, I’ve seen enough to know what it takes to get the hook. Avoid these mistakes, and you have a shot at enjoying a long ride at your current church.

1. Whiffing on the “no-brainer.”

The quickest way to get yourself fired is simple—don’t do the job the church hired you to do. The search committee (or church staffer) who created the job description for the position has a determined idea of what the church is looking for in a youth pastor.(1) So, the first thing you should ask when you interview for a position is, “Can I do the job as it’s described?” The second question you should ask is, “Do I want to do the job as it’s described?” If the answer is “yes” to both, then you’ve got a green light until the next intersection.

2. Playing fast-and-loose with your sexual boundaries.

Be fanatically above reproach with all things sexual. A youth pastor friend of mine told me he’d viewed online pornography a few times at work, so he decided to tell his senior pastor about it. As a result, the pastor had a Web site reporting service installed on all church computers. Then the two of them shared my friend’s story with the church. He then made a public confession and received forgiveness and restoration. This extraordinary act birthed a ministry to other men who are addicted to online pornography. If my friend had tried to hide what he’d done, he might have been fired. Instead, God used an act of integrity to redeem a bad situation.

3. Chronically bucking your church’s theological non-negotiables.

You don’t have to outright rebel against your church’s theological sacred cows to get fired—all you have to do is repeatedly offer tepid support for them. This should be obvious, but too many youth workers who grew up evangelical wonder why they have a difficult time working in a mainline church, or vice versa. Unless you plant your own church, you won’t find a dream theological match. So know your theological non-negotiables, and know your church’s. Differences here can make a huge difference.

4. Ignoring conflicting ministry philosophies.

Your theological imperatives will drive what you do in ministry, but your ministry philosophy will drive how you do it. So it’s crucial that you and your church agree on the how to’s of ministry. You and your church might both value evangelism, but if you don’t agree on how to do evangelism you’re sailing into a major storm. Also, if your church functionally defines “youth worker” as “events coordinator” but you see yourself as a pastor, you’d better spiff up your résumé because you’ll need it sooner than you expect.

5. Continually asking for forgiveness but never for permission.

Sure, that old saying “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” is a nice excuse the first few times you blow it, but if it becomes a habit, your new hobby might be looking up youth ministry openings on the Web. Learn the processes and procedures your church has set up and expects you to follow, then follow them.

6. Forgetting that perception is reality.

Whatever people think of you, good or bad, is real to them. Make sure they know the truth about you and your ministry, and make sure the truth about you and your ministry is good. If one person decides to believe something insidious about you or your ministry, then shares that belief with others as a “prayer request” or outright slander, you’ve got a battle to fight. And it’s amazing how battles can quickly get out of hand (if your name is Trent Lott, you understand this intimately). You’ll eventually lose the war, so make sure that perception is the truth by confronting misperceptions and “making peace with your enemies” (Luke 14:31-32). When a perception problem springs up, head directly to your senior pastor’s office first so you can clear it up before it gets to him.

7. Getting “a little crazy” a little too often.

When you were in college, it was fun to do crazy things in your car—but the fun stops when it involves your teenagers. My students still tell stories about a former volunteer who thought it was cool to drive on the grass to avoid the long line of cars stacked up on the off-ramp to Six Flags. That same volunteer once drove a group of us home from a Yankees game in the church van. After he forcefully nudged his way into traffic, two guys jumped out of their car and banged on our windows, looking for a fight. They were probably drunk, it was New York City, and it was after the Red Sox beat the Yankees, but it wouldn’t have happened if he’d made wiser choices as a driver. Always be safe, and always be wise.

8. Marginalizing powerful parents.

When Powerful Parents Attack—it could be a show on Fox, but it’s not entertaining when it happens to you. Your Church magazine ran a series about forced exits a few years ago. They found that it takes only 3 to 4 percent of a congregation to spark a staff member’s firing. Know who the “power parents” in your church are, and do your best to make sure they’re on your side. Don’t succumb to pressure or let them bully you, but bend to their desires when it’s a neutral preference issue, not a core principle.

9. Pushing your church’s cultural and moral boundaries.

You must understand your church culture. I know a Texas church that hosts an annual Men’s Poker Smoker. It’s an outreach event planned by men in the church. Each one, including the pastor, brings a six pack of beer, some cigars, and 200 poker chips to the event. I know another youth worker who was fired because he drank a beer or two with some friends one night. Another friend who heads a large youth ministry network told me she knows of youth workers who pushed the boundaries by getting drunk, going out to clubs, doing drugs, and viewing porn. Know your church’s behavior standards and honor them.

10. Pushing the envelope until it rips.

For good or bad, youth workers have a reputation for pushing the envelope. And that can be a very good thing in the right situation. But if all you do is push the envelope, people will quickly tire of your act. Mark Twain wrote, “The only person who likes change is a wet baby.” Implement changes selectively and infrequently. Know exactly why you’re planning to push people out of their comfort zone, and count the cost before you do. Youth leaders who feel as though they’re not doing their job unless they’re changing something will soon find themselves...not doing their job.

Originally appeared in Group Magazine March-April, 2003